Viagra 90 Percent Off Discount
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: SUMMARY: Harm encounters the plague of the world wide web. a little something to break up the Lemming-ness that's taken over this site
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Viagra 90 Percent Off Discount

AUTHOR: VIDZ

SEASON: 7

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: we all know them and we all hate them... email spam. Also a little something to break up the Lemming-ness on this site that is Harm/Mac (sometimes I think they're more delusional about their pairing even having a chance than I am about mine. Oh, hell, make that "all the time" :p).

SUMMARY: Harm encounters the plague of the world wide web.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

Logging into his computer, Harm waited for the Windows to load fully before bringing up the email application. As the mail downloaded his eyebrows rose, then knitted together in a frown of irritation.

"Again?"

Sighing, he went about deleting the flood of annoying email messages that were insistently offering him services he had no use for.

He didn't know how they found out his work mail address, but this was getting out of hand, something had to be done about it ASAP!

x

It was later that evening that he managed to find Bud, who'd been out on interviews the entire day and ask him about it.

"Well, sir, when you surf the 'net, your computer downloads small packages called 'cookies' into a folder on your root drive."

"Bud..."

"Those cookies act like spies, tracking your internet usage, which sites you visit, find out your email addresses and even passwords you've typed into your computer,"

"Bud..."

"then transmit them to an off-site computer, piggy-backing on your connection..."

"Bud!"

_Finally!_ thought Harm in relief when Bud shut up.

"Just tell me this: CAN you help?"

Bud nodded, but before he could give a vocal reply a female voice cut in on the conversation.

"What are you two talking about?" Mac was staring at them as if they'd grown second heads.

Harm looked embarrassed, but answered anyway "They somehow got hold of my email and for the last couple of weeks my account has been getting flooded with offers of discounts from Viagra to penis and breasts enlargement."

Mac looked him up and down, lingering meaningfully on his crotch, then sneered "Maybe you should listen to what they're trying to tell you."

With that she turned around, completely cutting off any chance for a response.

Baffled, Harm and Bud looked at each other, then at LT Singer as she walked by snickering, having overheard Harm and Mac's exchange.

Harm's eyes narrowed as he glared at both of the women, then grew thoughtful when he saw Loren disappear behind a corner, heading for the toilets.

With confusion Bud looked from where Singer had disappeared from sight, to the CDR, but then his attention was quite literally demanded by his wife.

That was the last the staff saw of Rabb and Singer that day.

x

Only barely registering as he went about pouring himself a cup of coffee, Bud noted LT Loren Singer enter the small break-room.

Nodding, he swept by her, but then it finally struck him. Whirling around he grew curious when he noticed she walked... actually, waddled carefully, painfully over to the counter. Frowning in concern he inquired.

"Everything alright, Lieutenant?"

"Yeah, it is, why do you ask?" Loren winced at the defensive counter-attack she'd launched at Bud, but after feeling as if everyone knew exactly what she'd done ever since she'd crossed on the JAG premises she had finally snapped.

When he opened his mouth to explain Loren stopped him with a shake of her head "Never mind."

She looked around to check they had privacy, the leaned closer "Remember, what you and CDR Rabb talked about last night at Benzinger's?"

Slowly, Bud nodded in the affirmative, looking at her strangely.

"Can you somehow block them?"

By now suspicious, Bud nodded again "Yes, not hard, I'll just have to..."

Cutting him off Loren shook her head "I don't care, just get it done."

Before Bud could respond to what was essentially an order from someone of equal rank, a jaunty tune was heard, drawing them out of the small room. The subject of their conversation was striding through the bullpen, whistling, a large, unconscious smile firmly on his lips. People stopped and stared at him as he went by and greeted them, not having seen him this cheerful in a long time.

Bud and Loren stood side by side just outside the door to the break-room, one wearing the expression of shock and the other of disbelief and exasperation, that deepened when Harm sent her a wink only she saw. Feeling a pain grip her lower body again, she was reminded of the reason for Harm's grin and her much-impaired ability to walk. Giggling at him had been the wrong move (or perhaps the right one?) for it had made him prove her just how wrong she and Mac were. Or 'had been' in her own case.

"Get it done ASAP!" ordered Loren, then walked off, muttering to herself "Cause if that man decides to try Viagra, I'm dead."

Hearing her words, Bud stared after her, then quickly got to work to block the IPs, deciding there are things you really are better off not knowing.

THE END


	2. It never stops

They never give up... You block one address and they create a new one and do it again. Do they really get paid that much that it's worth annoying the online world or do they simply get some malicious thrills out of knowing they annoy people?

To give **byrhthelm **support, some respite from outside distractions and renewed motivation to grab his muse by the throat and get her to finally finish the fic he's been promising for so long I've forgotten how long, I've decided to from now on hold back with my fics/updates until he posts at least the first chapter. That should get the ball rolling as he just needs a small push (or rather, a strong kick in the posterior... :D) to rewrite what he lost in his hdd crash.

You too can help him get through his writer's block, by asking or even demanding for "Gill". He'll know who that is. *g* Let's all do our part to support an inspiration-struggling writer in his time of emotional need... :)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 

When he opened his email and saw the contents Harm groaned in dispair.

"Dear god, not again!"

"What is it?" asked his girlfriend from the kitchen, worry colouring her tone. She stopped drying the dishes, hung the towel over her shoulder and crossed the distance between them. Lightly scratching with her fingernails at the back of his neck, which made Harm pur like an over-grown cat, she directed her eyes at the computer screen.

"Spam." her boyfriend explained shortly.

"Ah." she said, nodding knowingly "The spam that got us into this trouble in the first place? I thought you had Roberts take care of it."

"I wouldn't exactly say trouble..." Harm denied her first statement. Twisting in his hips he draped an arm across Loren's waist, gently tugging her around him until she sat in his lap.

"And I did." he confirmed, then blew out his breath in irritation, ruffling his love's blond tresses "But it seems they have found a way around it."

"Well? What is it this time? Are they offering you bigger breasts? A toned butt? Cheap Rolex watches? Business proposals from some Nigerian Prince to help him launder money? More Viagra?" she gave him an amused look, that quickly changed it into half-sultry "If so, I can notify them that you _definitely_ don't need it."

"Actually no." Harm replied thoughtfully, then clicked a few times as he pulled up the trash folder of his email "This one is a new kind. It says '+18 Get pregnant quickly and naturally within two months...'"

"When will they give up?" Loren sighed and, putting her small hand on top of his, guided it so the email was permanently deleted. With an affectionate kiss to his cheek she took momentum to propel herself off her perch, but stopped her motions when she noticed the absent look in Harm's eyes "Harm?"

It took only a few seconds and he was back with her, but this time with a secretive, mischevious smile glinting in his aquamarines.

"Haaaarm?" she drawled hesitantly. Two years of sharing her life with the man had taught her that that look meant nothing good.

When his smile broadened so wide it became the grin he was so famous among the female population for, realization dawned upon the slim blonde in his arms.

"Oh, no!" she exclaimed and quickly put some distance between them "Don't go getting any ideas! That last one had me walking funny for two days!"

Backing up with her hands in the air in that universal gesture of "stop right there", she watched with growing alarm (and no small amount of arousal, if she admitted it to herself) as he got to his feet, with slowness born from confidence of a panther that knew his prey could not get away.

"Oh, yes."

"Nu-uh!" Loren disagreed as she backed up again, then tilted her head in confusion over the strange way in which he moved, until it dawned on her he was herding her like a Border Collie herds a flock of sheep into the direction it wants. Right into their bedroom...

"We're not getting me pregnant, Harm! Not over a challenge!"

That didn't convince him as he continued his prowl. Holding his hands away from his body in a harmless gesture to correspond with the innocent expression on his face (neither of which convinced her), he tried to appeal to her better sense...

"Come on, babe, let's show 'em we can do it on our own..."

And with a diabolical laugh, accompanied by his girlfriend's shriek as she turned and ran, Harm chased a Loren that was slowly becoming sold on the idea into the bedroom.

THE END (it would be nice, but I doubt they'll ever give up. Tossers)

_**Reviews are love.**_


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